i've been meaning to collect my thoughts on this for a while, but have been feeling a little embarrassed to write these feelings into existence. but it's hot and this lager is making me feel a little rash so now's as good a time as any. cheers!

last fall, i bought a $119 bike from walmart when i was visiting my parents in my hometown. it was kind of an irrational purchase. i'd only get to use it 2 weeks a year when i'm home for the holidays. it was a crappy bike, a huffy mountain bike that was definitely sized for teens. my knees bent too much even when i set the saddle height as high as it goes. it was heavy and loud and awkward.

purple power!

i wasn't good at biking by any means. i learned how to ride when i was young, like many others, but didn't have much interest in it past grade school. there was nowhere to bike to, and i wasn't an active kid to begin with. i just didn't care for or about hopping on a bike.

this apathy turned into anxiety after i broke my ankle rollerskating a few years ago. i still have lingering issues from that injury that i'm working through. suddenly activities i wouldn't think twice about trying filled me with dread. i didn't want to skate or ski or rock climb — i just wanted to be safe.

i couldn't move past my fear of reinjury. last summer i agreed to go hit a bike trail with my college friends, only to freeze up trying to get on the bike. i was scared of imbalance and falling over. my friends had to stop and help me, and though everything was fine once we got moving, i spent the ride blinking away tears because i felt so ashamed. it was a really tough time during my recovery.

i thought about that pathetic bike ride a lot — in the shower, before i fell asleep, whenever my mind wandered. months afterwards i went and got that stupid walmart bike. i made my dad hold the bike still as i got on and then wandered around the neighborhood for 15 minutes. i found an empty cul-de-sac in an undeveloped area and sat down to rest my swollen ankle and watch the sunset.

a moment of peace

i ended up riding that bike every day while i was home. i felt scared, but then i felt more — felt the sun on my shoulders and the breeze by my ears, felt freed from my own self-doubt. i watched the asphalt glitter in the light as i pushed forward one pedal at a time.

i grew to love biking (surprise!) pretty quickly. i picked up a secondhand folding bike in the city that i used and abused in central park a few times a week. then i treated myself a nicer new bike. i try to ride when the sun's out after work. i'm proud of my progress, physically and mentally. it's hard to be bad at stuff as an adult, and it's easy to avoid anything uncomfortable. but for the first time in a long time, i did it anyway.

not sure how to end this gracefully so here's an unorganized list of bike-related factoids. vignettes?

• i got my bike blessed by a church dean at a cathedral
• i ride around 20 miles a week (for now! hopefully more later!)
• my cycling shoes of choice are a pair of new balance 550s
• i saw someone riding a penny-farthing once
• i carry cash on my rides so i can buy an ice cream afterwards
• i'm trying to learn how to ride standing up (butt off seat)
• my shins and knees are banged up because i keep crashing them into my bike frame

my trusty steed all folded up